One week...

We are now at a complete week of being separated by the sea.

The previous week was followed by some supposed "coping" on my part. This druggery that I had allowed myself to partake in was falsely justified. I missed Aiden. I truly did. Every night that I couldn't sleep, every day in which I knew I wasn't going to come home to his face.

So I avoided having any feelings by getting trashed.

No bueno.

The guilt of knowing how disappointed he would be to know was reason enough to sober me up at once. I want this for me (sobriety, getting my act together and ultimately growing up), but despite all this craving for it, I can't seem to follow through. But knowing that I could risk losing something so great (the greatness being Aiden and the wonderful relationship we've become part of) scared me to my senses.

He wouldn't want to marry, let alone be with, someone who drinks in excess, smokes and just has no desire or incentive to become a real person.

I'm not allowed to lose focus because not only would I fail myself, but I would also fail us.

I just need to remember two things:
1. I want this for myself
2. He loves me

That's it. That's all the motivation I need.

"There was a time when my world was filled with darkness,
And I stopped dreaming now, I'm supposed to fill it up with something.
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before long long long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up

I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip, yeah I slip
I'm still an animal"

Shape-shift for a good, not to hide all the bad that you're partaking in.